Mental Images

What an emotional day for me...this was blogged through a rainfall of tears...

The past few days, oh maybe a week. I have really been struggling with mental images and thoughts of myself. First being, "Am I really going to make my 50lb deadline?" Yes, I have become quite stressed over it. No reason to, it will be a tough 4 weeks; BUT, I am "me" and that means I will do it. My thoughts are trying to trick me again, in that I have not really done that much to begin with - what makes me think I can make it all they way to 50.
***Stop yelling at me*** I have done alot. There is a reason I titled this post the way I did.

I just finished watching Biggest Loser, the Wednesday show, from last week. Forgot it was there. Well, I cried through the whole thing. Most days I wake up and get on with my workout and day as I would normally live life. Not even nodding to the fact I have lost a lot of weight. I used to think even to lose 20lbs was a big deal. I've lost 30ish, and now think I have not really accomplished anything. WHAT! That kind of thinking will hinder my journey to 50.

On the days when I feel smokin' hot, I think..."Well I probably still pretty much look the same, no one even really notices." Serious. Here is where my mental images really start to mess me up. Before I even lost a 1/2 lb, my mental image of at least my face was how it looks right now...slim, rosy cheeks, bright eyes, sparkling smile...that was far far from how I looked in reality and even from what I saw in the mirror. Now, my physical image looks like that mental image and my mental image has become blurry. Who am I? What am I becoming? How will I physically and mentally look when the journey ends?

I have kept one pair of shorts in my starting size, everything else I have shrunk out of is gone from my closet. I am too scared to even try those shorts on because, mental again, I think there really won't be that big a difference when I put them on. Of course there will be, they are 2 sizes bigger than what I am currently wearing.

JRo and I had a quick but good talk (I look forward to discussing further JRo) this morning. I have 4 weeks left and the lbs I need to lose will be tight. I can do it. She encouraged me and gave me a few good pointers. I really needed that. I am a very determined gal; if I set my mind to it I am going to do - do not step in the way you might get hurt. Somewhere very deep down I think there has been a voice really questioning/doubting if I could really pull this off. Maybe that voice is getting in my way - BE GONE! JRo even flattered me last week by blogging about me living this out right in front of her.

As I have said over and over, I know my inside is going to change far more than my physical appearance. And for that, I will be truly blessed. There were alot of things rotting under the cobwebs that needed to be bleached out.

My journey is not really ending in 4 weeks, it is just beginning.